


+

by InTheWind



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jossed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:34:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1170943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheWind/pseuds/InTheWind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the preview for "Wednesday's Child." Olivia discovers she's pregnant, and struggles with what to do next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	+

Brian finished setting the table and uncorked a bottle of Merlot. After weeks of being undercover, it was a relief to be back in the normal dinnertime routine he and Olivia had developed in their first months of living together. As they sat down to eat he tried not to notice how quiet his girlfriend had been all evening, ascribing the tension between them to the demanding hours he’d been working too often recently.

He poured some wine for himself and reached for her glass, but she quickly covered it with her hand. “Not tonight,” she said. “I… can’t.”

It wasn’t her words, but her tone of voice that got his attention. “What’s wrong?”

Olivia shifted in her seat, pulling the sweater she was wearing tightly around herself even though it was warm in the apartment. She took a minute to gather her thoughts before she answered his question. “Brian, I think I’m pregnant.”

Immediately Brian’s mind started racing. When his mouth finally caught up, the first thing he blurted out was, “You _think_?”

“I took two tests,” she admitted. “They were both positive.”

“Okay. So… you’re pregnant.” He nodded absently as the idea sank in. “We’re gonna have a baby.”

Olivia looked away. “We don’t have to.”

Brian froze. “Liv, what are you saying? Don’t you want it?”

“This isn’t about what I want. Brian, look at us. I just got the entire squad handed to me without warning, you’re always undercover, I’m still dealing with what happened to me, we’ve barely had time to say two words to each other in weeks—can you really tell me that you think us having a kid is a good idea?”

“We can figure something out.”

“I’m not quitting my job,” Olivia said decisively.

Brian recoiled. “Who said anything about–”

“Well, one of us is going to have to actually be around to raise it,” she snapped without letting him finish. “I could have lost my career after what Lewis did to me. There were times I didn’t think I’d ever be able to go back. I worked too long and too hard to keep him from taking my job from me; I’m not gonna give it up now, okay? I can’t.”

Her voice broke on the last sentence; Brian reached across the table and took her hand. “So don’t. We’ve got months to think about this, Liv, we’ll find another solution. I’ll put in for a transfer, or... We’ll come up with something.”

“That’s not the only issue. I mean, let’s be realistic. I’m 46 years old. What are the odds that this baby will be completely healthy? What’ll we do if it isn’t?”

“Liv, you haven’t even seen a doctor yet. Maybe let’s wait until you get checked out and we know what the risks actually are before we start worrying about that.”

“And even if the baby’s fine,” she continued as though she hadn’t heard him, “Do we really want to be looking at preschools when most of our friends are looking at colleges? And what about when _our_ kid is in college—do you realize how old we’ll be?”

“We’ll be experienced,” Brian countered. “Mature, even. Is that so bad?”

Olivia rolled her eyes and muttered something about Brian’s maturity level that he wisely chose to ignore. She withdrew her hand from his and stood, leaving her food untouched on the table. “Bri, I just… I can’t have this discussion right now. Please. I just need some time to think.”

He watched her retreat into their bedroom and close the door. His own appetite effectively lost, he busied himself by wrapping up their plates and putting them in the fridge, then took his time clearing the rest of the table. By the time everything had been put away, he’d figured out at least a rough idea of what he was going to say.

He found Olivia curled up in bed, facing the door. Even in the dark, he could see the worry etched on her face. He laid down beside her and wrapped one arm tentatively around her. He half expected her to pull away, but instead she rolled over to face him. He pulled her closer.

“Liv, whatever happens here is going to be your decision, and I’ll support you no matter what. If you want an abortion, tell me and I’ll do whatever I can to make that easier on you. But if you want this baby, I promise you that we can make it work. And it’s not all on you, you know? You don’t have to make all the sacrifices.”

“It’s not just about sacrifices,” she said. “If it was, I’d do this in a heartbeat.”

“So what _is_ it about? Because I’m trying really hard to understand why this is a bad thing, but you’re gonna have to give me a hint or something, okay?”

She looked up at him with an expression that broke his heart. “What if I can’t be a good mother? It’s not like I had a great role model, and I haven’t exactly done well on my own either. I had issues even before Lewis, but now? What if I’m too fucked up for this?”

“You’re not fucked up, Liv. You went through absolute hell and back, and you’re dealing with it—better than most people would, I might add. You’d be an amazing mom. I just don’t understand how you don’t see that.”

“You’re right,” Olivia said. With a sigh she pulled away from him and rolled back over. “You don’t understand.”

+

The next morning, it was Olivia for once who was up and gone before Brian even opened his eyes. For the first time since her promotion she actually looked forward to going into work; the pressures facing her there seemed trivial compared to what was waiting for her at home. From the moment she arrived in the squad room, she tried unsuccessfully to put the pregnancy—and the question of what to do about it—out of her mind.

Unfortunately for Liv the morning was quiet and unusually free of distractions. She locked herself in the office, which she still thought of as Cragen’s, and tried to focus on her paperwork. Hours passed; when Olivia heard a knock at the door and finally looked up, she was startled to see it was already noon.

“Hey,” Nick said, sticking his head in the door. “Fin and Amanda just went to get lunch, and I was gonna head out myself. You want anything?”

Olivia yawned, as if on cue. “A coffee would be nice,” she said. “Thanks.”

Nick nodded and started to head out, when all of a sudden Olivia remembered that coffee wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“Wait, Nick!” she called out; he stopped in his tracks and poked his head back into the office. “Um, never mind,” Olivia said awkwardly. “On second thought, forget the coffee. But thanks anyway.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Nick said. He hesitated, then asked, “Liv, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she quickly answered, forcing a smile. “I just realized I probably don’t need the extra caffeine, that’s all.”

Nick’s eyes narrowed. “Now I _know_ something’s wrong. Seriously, what’s up?”

Olivia sighed. The truth was, she could use someone to confide in, and these days her options were increasingly limited. “Nick, shut the door.”

+

Brian wasn’t entirely surprised to wake up alone, but he was disappointed. He’d hoped that he and Liv could continue their discussion in the morning after having had the night to sleep on it, but he had to concede that Liv had a point: perhaps they both just needed more time to think.

But Brian had never been very good at just thinking. He needed to talk things out, and if he couldn’t do that with Liv, then he was going to find someone else. He called Tucker to announce he was taking the day off, and then set out for One Hogan Place.

+

“You’re pregnant?” Nick stopped just short of congratulating Olivia, seeing in her expression that it wasn’t entirely welcome news. Having had some experience with surprise parenthood himself, he knew better than to presume anything and instead fished around for the next best response. “Are you… okay with that?”

“I’m trying to be.” Olivia perched herself on the edge of the desk, which, save for her stack of paperwork, was still mostly bare since Cragen’s departure. In that moment, she found herself missing her mentor more than ever. “I don’t really know what to do,” she confessed.

“Have you told Cassidy?” Nick asked, moving to lean against the desk beside her.

She nodded. “He thinks everything’s sunshine and rainbows. As usual. I swear, in some ways he’s still that naïve kid I knew fifteen years ago. He thinks that just because we both want this baby, that’s a good enough reason to keep it.”

“And you don’t?”

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose as if staving off an oncoming headache. “I just think there are a lot of really good reasons not to. The timing couldn’t suck more if it tried, and it’s like he wasn’t even listening when I told him I wasn’t sure I could do this.”

“Have you guys ever talked about having kids before?”

“I think we both kind of assumed it was too late,” Olivia said dryly. “I certainly did.”  She paused, and then added, “I had a foster son briefly, about three years ago—the courts decided he’d be better off with his grandparents. That was a few months before you transferred in. A year before that, I was given power of attorney over a premature baby girl. I had to make a decision about whether or not she got this surgery that the doctors were pushing for… she, um, she died on the operating table. And a couple years before that I tried to adopt, but all the agencies I talked to felt that I wasn’t a suitable candidate for motherhood, and hell, I mean, they’re the experts, you know?”

“No, Liv –”

“Nick, I gave up on the idea of being a mom a long time ago. I gotta tell you, the idea of doing it now scares the hell out of me.”

“Yeah, it scared me too. With Zara and especially with Gil, I was terrified about what kind of parent I’d be. It’s normal.”

“If it’s normal to be this fucking terrified, why does _anyone_ have kids?”

Nick laughed. “Well, some of us don’t find out until about a decade after the fact.” More seriously, he continued, “It’s about deciding whether you think it’s worth the risk. Liv, for whatever it’s worth I think you’d be an amazing mom, if that’s what you want. Whether you decide you’re ready now, a year from now, five years from now—any kid would be lucky to have you. And you know,” he added, “There’s never really a good time to have a kid, because there’s no guarantee that something won’t come along to knock you on your ass eventually anyway. When Zara was born, Maria and I never thought she’d be called up for active duty again, but she was, and we handled it. A big part of being a parent is just accepting that there are a lot of things out there that you can’t control.”

Olivia let that thought turn over in her mind. “Thanks, Nick,” she said quietly.

He gave her shoulder a squeeze before heading out. “Let me know if you need anything, alright?”

Liv nodded, but her mind was already somewhere else.

+

Brian found his ex-partner hunched over a desk in the DA’s office, nose buried in a file that undoubtedly held some conspiracy or another. “Hey, Munch. Got a minute?”

“Brian!” John looked up and peered at the younger man over his glasses. “It’s good to see you—as long as you’re not here on official business.”

“No,” Brian said with a laugh. “This… this is definitely personal. Look, I need some advice. Can we talk?”

“Sure. Come on, let’s step into my office for a minute.”

John led him toward an empty file room. Brian followed him in and closed the door behind them. “Liv’s gonna kill me for telling you this,” he started. “She’s pregnant.”

John’s eyes went wide. “Our Olivia? Well, damn, Brian. Congratulations. That’s great.”

“That’s what I thought. Liv doesn’t seem to agree.”

“Hmm,” was all John said in reply.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, Liv hasn’t been having the easiest time lately,” John pointed out. “Her world’s been turned upside down more times than I can count in the past year; I can’t blame her for not wanting to bring a child into it.”

“But she’s been doing so much better lately,” said Brian.

“Cassidy, recovery from what Liv went through isn’t just a nice straight line. She’s going to keep having good days and bad days. She’s been in SVU long enough to know she’s still got a long way to go.”

“Look, I know she’s still struggling sometimes. I get that, I do. And with her promotion and my undercover jobs and everything else going on, maybe this isn’t the best time, but when is?” Brian started pacing back and forth in the small room. “The thing that gets me, John, is that she wants this baby just as much as I do. So why is she so dead-set against us even giving this a chance?”

John was thoughtful for a minute. “Maybe,” he said, “Because nothing she wants ever turns out well. That’s been true for a while, Brian, maybe even her whole life. Nothing good ever happens to her and even when it does, it doesn’t last, so why should she think this would be any different? Knowing Liv, she probably thinks the best thing she can do for that baby is to just not have it.”

Brian stopped in his tracks. He had to admit, his old friend was making perfect sense. “So what do I do now?”

“Listen to her,” John advised. “Find out what she needs from you and then do that. Whether or not she decides to go through with this pregnancy, she’s going to need you. She’s still learning how to depend on people, Brian—I’ve never seen her let herself rely on anyone the way she relied on you after Lewis. You did great then, but you’ve been dropping the ball ever since, my friend. You need to show her she can count on you, and not just during a crisis.”

“Yeah.” Brian nodded, and turned to go. “Thanks, Munch.”

“You’re welcome, kid,” John replied, but Brian was already halfway out the door.

+

Olivia came home to an empty apartment, as per usual lately. This time however there was a bouquet of flowers livening up the dining room table; the card read _“Babe, I’m sorry I was an ass last night. I’ll be home soon and we’ll talk. Love you. –Brian.”_

True to his word, she heard Brian’s key in the door before she’d even had a chance to change out of her work clothes. She noticed immediately that he wasn’t wearing his—instead of his usual suit, he had on jeans and an old sweatshirt she could’ve sworn she threw away when he wasn’t looking. He was also in a better mood than she’d seen him in for weeks.

“Hey, babe,” he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek as he passed her on the way to the fridge. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” she answered, bewildered. “How are you? And _where_ were you?”

“I went to see some old friends,” he said. “Retired friends. Thought I’d start asking around, see if any of them know anyplace that’s hiring.”

Olivia did a double-take. “Tell me you didn’t get fired.”

“I didn’t get fired,” Brian said with a laugh. “I haven’t quit yet, either. I just thought it might be time to see what else is out there, you know?”

“This is because of the baby,” Olivia realized.

“Yes, and no.” Brian moved closer to her and ran a hand through her hair. “Liv, I meant it last night when I said I would do whatever I have to in order to make this easier on you. But if you don’t want to do this, that’s fine. Either way, I’ve realized that neither of us has been happy lately. I haven’t been there for you and I need to make some changes to fix that.”

“Brian, you don’t have to give up your job.”

“I don’t have to, Liv, I want to,” he explained. “I thought all I wanted was my career back, but not this way. It just doesn’t mean as much to me as it used to. I’d rather have more time to spend with you.”

“Well, do you really think you can find something with less overtime?” she asked hopefully. “Because my hours are a little more stable now than they were before I was CO, but I still don’t know of any daycare that takes kids in the evening if I get a call while you’re still stuck at work.”

“Daycare?” Brian repeated. “Are you saying…?”

Olivia took a deep breath. “I’m saying that maybe I can learn to accept that I can’t control every outcome. All we can do is love this child and try to teach her how to deal with whatever comes up.”

Brian pulled Olivia close, holding her tightly with his lips brushing against her hair. “I swear to you I’m gonna be there, Liv, for you and our baby. No matter what, I’m gonna be there.”

Olivia looked up and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I know."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a hurry trying to finish it before the episode airs and didn't have time to find a beta, so any mistakes are mine alone. Thanks for reading!


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